Today’s post is part of the Moods of Motherhood blogging carnival celebrating the launch of the second edition of Moods of Motherhood: the inner journey of mothering by Amazon bestselling author, Lucy H. Pearce (published by Womancraft Publishing).

Today over 40 mothers around the world reflect on the internal journey of motherhood: raw, honest and uncut. To see a list of the other contributors and to win your own copy visit Dreaming Aloud.net

There was a time in my life when all I wanted was to be a Mom. It seemed that everyone could get pregnant but me, and I saw happy families everywhere. It was all I wanted and it drove me kinda crazy for a long time.

I ended up having IVF – which you maybe know is not an easy process – and was very fortunate to have it work on the first time. I was pregnant! After the exhilaration of this news faded and my body started to change and react to what was happening, I started to feel guilty if I didn’t enjoy everything all the time. Why was I complaining when not so long ago I didn’t ever think I could experience this magic?

This feeling of guilt continues to this day, and my son is now almost 5. He is the very best thing that has ever happened to me, and yet I have to admit that it’s not always easy to be a Mom. It’s not all happy and wonderful. Some days are fucking hard. Some days I don’t know how I’m going to cope with one more question, one more demand, one more thing I need to do.

I am grateful for the chance to be a Mom, and his Mom in particular because he’s awesome. 🙂 And I am grateful for all that he has taught me so far – though sometimes I can only be grateful in retrospect because the lessons aren’t always easy to accept, especially the ones about me and the ‘flaws’ in my character. And my, let’s say, less-desirable qualities have been much more on display since my son was born… because having a kid is like having a mirror, you can’t get away from the person you really are.

Here’s what my son has taught me (so far):

1. Our natural state is not kindness. Our natural state is to fight for our own needs, territory and influence. When my son wants something, nothing will deter him. He won’t stop until he has it, and he won’t think about anyone else’s needs. Kindness needs to be taught, most effectively by example. I am consciously teaching my son kindness, and he is teaching me that kindness isn’t always easy. Especially when you observe the world and not everyone is kind… like in the playground.
2. I am capable of getting VERY angry. Having a kid brings out the best in you (love), and also the worst in you (all the crap you thought you were done with). Staying calm around my son is sometimes impossible for me, and I hate this part of my personality and behaviour. I understand logically that I shouldn’t get angry, that he’s only little, that there are reasons for what’s happening… and yet, when I’m in the moment, all of that goes out the window and I become the horrible Mom I vowed I’d never be. This has taught me that sometimes all I can do is make sure I say ‘I’m sorry’ afterwards. And it has taught me to be more understanding when my lessons of kindness go out the window when my son is trying to navigate his way around a playground situation… We are both human.
3. I don’t have enough fun. My son often says to me that only kids know how to have fun. I always tell him that that’s not true, just that what’s fun for me doesn’t look like fun to him… but… it makes me wonder. Do I not make enough space in my life for fun that’s only for fun’s sake?
4. I want to get my way sometimes. And I’m prepared to fight my 4-year-old to get it. Yep, it’s true, sometimes I find myself in these arguments that make no sense and are only power struggles. And yes, I do engage in them. I want to win sometimes, too. I want to get my way.
5. There isn’t one best way to parent. Once you have a child, it seems that everyone is allowed an opinion on how you do things – the school, your parents, even total strangers. If I’ve learned anything so far, it’s that there isn’t one best way. There is no right or wrong (within reason, obviously). My son started playing on an iPad when he was 2… way too young according to our Montessori school system and all other experts. The thing is though, my son is very bright and there was nothing else I could give him at that age that would challenge him enough… so the iPad meant survival for us, the rest of his family. We needed to stay (relatively) sane, that really was in his best interest too.
6. The mother-child bond from the side of the mother is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. Even with all my complaining, there are times when I look at my son and can’t take the overwhelming love that I feel for him. There is nothing quite like it, and I struggle to put it into words so I’ll just leave it at that.
7. I have so much love in me and I know how to show it. This is beautiful and I am grateful.
8. A child is capable of so much more than I ever thought. My son goes to a Montessori school, and from day one I have been amazed at how much responsibility he was given and could handle. He was slicing his own cucumbers for lunch before he was 2! This has helped me to see him not as just a kid, but as a wise soul with a lot of experience, just in a smaller body. It helps me to treat him more as an equal and to learn from his wisdom every single day.

How about you? What have you learned from your child(ren), either about life or about yourself? Let me know in the comments!

Love,

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