I have emerged

I gotta tell you, I felt so positive when I wrote my last post, and felt so ready to face my greatest fear, surgery.

That feeling didn’t last.

I shouted, cried, threw up, panicked, screamed, cried some more, almost backed out. I felt like I was going to die, not in the literal sense, but that life would never be the same again. I could not imagine myself ever enjoying anything again (I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s really what it felt like at the time).

I didn’t think I had the strength to go through it with dignity, calm and collected, understanding that this would help me and trusting the process.

I tortured myself by imagining what it would be like. And also by googling.

Then the day arrived and I cried and screamed and panicked some more.

And then the hour arrived and it didn’t matter anymore because they knocked me out.

I woke up and it was over. Finally. After a year of thinking about it and dreading it, and more panic attacks than I could have imagined, it was over. I went home the next day.

I resisted.

I’m not sure what I thought that would accomplish. I resisted until the very end, fighting every single step. I didn’t go through it with ANY dignity. I was the opposite of calm and collected. And you know what? It didn’t matter. I got through it anyway.

I released.

This need to be a calmer version of myself has always been with me. The way I act in hospitals is not the way a normal person is supposed to act. I released this. There is no normal. I was myself and I did what I needed to do to get through it. I did not judge myself for my behaviour. This was a first.

I released so much during this process. The need for others to think it was hard on me. The need to be perfect. The fear of judgement. Guilt for not being who I wanted to be. Shame for not meeting expectations. And much, much more is still being released, as I recover.

I emerged.

Feeling lighter and surprisingly joyful for someone who has just gone through major surgery. Grateful for the healing. Hopeful for my future.

I decided to pay it forward.

I feel so much lighter, that it is only now, afterwards, that I realise how much baggage I was carrying around.

My own releasing journey has been so intense, and I have been so incredibly supported by literally hundreds of amazing souls. I want to offer anyone else who needs to release the opportunity to do so in a loving community, guided by their intuition, their guides, my guides, and the Universe. And I want this experience to be absolutely FREE. 🙂

If you too feel weighed down by:

• doubt (maybe in your own self-worth),
• shame (maybe related to who you used to be or are now, or to some of your choice, or to something you consider a character flaw),
• guilt (maybe tied to who you are or are not, or to having to set priorities between family and work),
• fear (maybe of trusting your own instincts because your choices might be wrong (again), or of trying something new, or of staying in place),
• disappointment (maybe because you thought you’d be further by now, or had things more together, somehow),

then join me on a 5-day releasing journey starting on October 1. You will receive a short creative task in your inbox each day, and will have access to a Facebook group with the other beautiful people on this journey. It is my intention that we will all support each other. Friendships will be made, loads will be lightened, life will be brighter.

Let yourself release what you no longer need, you KNOW that it is holding you back.

This idea is so new but it is burning inside me, and needs to get out. I will offer more details as they emerge, but if you already feel called to take part, sign up here.

With all my love,